“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” (Mignon McLaughlin)
You never thought it would happen to you. The one who swept you off your feet won’t even sweep out the garage anymore. The lover of your dreams snores like a hog with a head cold. The fling has been flung!
Lack of communication, fatigue, stress, and unspoken resentments can zap the zip out of any couple. Call it the seven-year itch or seven-day-a-week monotony. Whatever name you use, it’s alarming, if not downright frightening. You may be lying awake at night, wondering if you made the right decision, maybe even wondering if it’s time to end your relationship.
Don’t fret. Only people in fairy tales or Hollywood movies live happily ever after without working at it. The trick to a romantic relationship is to cultivate the fantastic while maintaining the mundane. Bring home flowers and then take out the trash.
Two evils extinguish the flame of a relationship:
- Getting stuck in a rut
- Taking your partner for granted
Rekindling the flame is simple:
- Plan spontaneity (yes, this is an oxymoronic directive…more on this later)
- Treasure your partner
Key Tips
- “Love” is a verb. Country crooner Clint Black puts it this way: “Love’s not just something that we’re in, it’s something that we do.” You know better than anyone what you can do to make your partner feel loved and cherished. Never stop courting, dating and flirting with your partner.
- The best way to dissolve anger, frustration, and resentment is through communication. Communicating came naturally when you were dating, before you were officially a couple. You talked, maybe argued, but always with a genuine interest in getting to know each other. What about now? You can rebuild your relationship by one affectionate, heartfelt word at a time. Be a good listener too, and make eye contact when you’re speaking with your partner.
- Cultivate a faulty memory. People are always aware of their partner’s faults and failing. Feel free to recognize these faults and then let them go. Make every effort to overlook your mate’s blunders and inadequacies. Instead, concentrate on what’s pleasurable and what is positive in the life you share together. Choose to have a memory like a steel trap about your anniversary, your partner’s birthday, and other special occasions.
- Do something Delight your partner by running the errands one morning, doing one of the weekly chores, or taking on a task without complaining. This kind of thoughtfulness may seem unrelated to passion, but it’s not. Think of it as long-term foreplay because it will put both of you in good moods and make you more likely to feel amorous later on.
Plan to be Spontaneous
Eliminating the first evil is even easier than you think: just do something you haven’t done before. There are lots of ways to surprise and delight your mate…and what you dream up is limited only by your imagination, resources, and inclinations.
Some suggestions to get you started:
- Write a love note and leave it in a jacket pocket or on a windshield, or send it as a text or email.
- Touch your partner more than usual when you talk, at dinner, or when you’re walking. It sends a loving message.
- Rent the move you refused to go with your mate to see in the theater because it was too sappy (or too long, violent, or whatever) Make some popcorn to go along with it.
- Surprise your mate with new, racy undergarments.
- Pick a complicated recipe from a favorite cookbook and divide the tasks to prepare it. (Unless tuna casserole is what gets your hearts racing, scrap comfort food in favor of finger foods that you can feed each other. Think cheese puffs, stuffed mushrooms, lobster…and something decadent and smothered in whipped cream for dessert.)
- Create an amorous treasure hunt. Put notes at each stop giving clues to the next location: “This is your second-favorite tasty treat, after me” with the next note taped to the lid of a pint of ice cream. The final destination can be scented candles and a bubble bath, a massage, or a romantic restaurant.
Treasure Your Partner
The second evil, taking your partner for granted, may be a little more difficult to solve. A lot of people avoid addressing this one because it involves admitting they’ve taken their partner for granted in the first place. The trick to this one is remembering the magic C word: communication.
For starters, make sure your mate is receiving the love signals you’re sending. When one partner feels unappreciated, it’s usually because you’re operating at different frequencies. A husband who values an attractive home thinks that mowing the lawn and raking the leaves shows his wife that he loves her. But if she values family time, then she may end up thinking that he’s doing all this yard work to escape the kids. If they don’t communicate with each other, this misunderstanding can lead to serious problems.
Treat your partner as well as you did when you first fell in love. Pay attention, apologize when you make a mistake, and compliment your partner. Tell him/her what you found attractive when you first met, and why you still do now.
Rekindle the Flame
After you’ve eliminated the two evils of being stuck in a routine and lack of appreciation, it’s time to bring back the love. If you want to rekindle the flame, start wooing your beloved again.
- Schedule dates. They don’t have to be complicated, expensive, or even at night. Take a walk, go to the gym together, meet for lunch during the workweek.
- Celebrate anniversaries. Your first date, your first kiss. The day you met each other and your heart flipped. The day you knew it would be forever.
- Plan romantic getaways. Find a bed and breakfast or inn that’s no more than a couple hours’ drive from your home. (This is about spending time together in a new location, not in the car) Prepare some surprises, such as a room with a working fireplace, a horseback riding lesson, tickets to a concert.
- Plan romantic weekends at home. Make one Friday a special Friday. Drop the kids off at a friend’s house, hire a maid service to clean your place, and go shopping: flowers, favorite floods, candles wine, bath and massage products. Play your favorite mood music.
- Rent a movie. Sure, you could go out to the movies. But isn’t it nicer to already be home in the arms of your beloved when it ends? Especially if the movie is romantic, steamy, or even scary.
FAQs: at different times in your relationship….
I just had my firstborn. My husband and I knew that having a baby would affect our relationship, but I didn’t expect it to change this much! Will we ever feel romantic toward each other again?
Sure…in about 18 years. (just kidding)
You’ve already discovered many of the ways that a new baby can interfere with intimacy. Fatigue, additional financial burdens, and even your new perception of yourselves as parents can get in the way. Maybe you even have a vague feeling that as parents, it’s no longer appropriate for you to be lovers. Nursing mothers sometimes feel that their mates are just one more person demanding love and nurturing from them, and they’re exhausted. Since they’re not about to take out their frustration on the baby, many couples lash out at each other instead.
You can turn the situation around with some planning, flexibility, and a sense of humor. If you look carefully at your priorities, you may find that you can compromise in some areas, such as perfectly tidy house, to free up time for your relationship.
Tell your partner you need support. Intimacy isn’t necessarily sex: give each other lots of hugs and rubs. Arrange for family or friends to watch your baby while you go out on dates and have fun together. And don’t worry – things are hectic now, but as your child becomes more independent and you settle into a routine, you’ll be able to resume your romance.
I’m not comfortable with all the touchy-feely advice my wife and I are getting from seminars and videos on rejuvenating our marriage. Any suggestions?
You can rejuvenate your marriage and be practical, too. Why not tackle a big project together? Volunteer for a charity, plant an herb garden, organize a fund-raiser, anything that has you achieving a goal as a couple. The task should be pleasant, fun, meaningful and rewarding. Don’t make the project cleaning out the garage if you’re bound to disagree on what to throw away, or you’ll both end up irritable. But do clean out the garage together if it’s the first step toward creating the ceramics studio your wife has been yearning for.
Now that our children are grown and on their own, my husband and I don’t seem to have anything to talk about. Is our marriage doomed?
Think of the empty-nest chapter in your marriage as the opportunity to make a fresh start. Here are three important steps to take:
- Accept the present and forgive each other for past transgressions. This is a time of life where you can either make a list of unfulfilled expectations, unmet goals, etc. and brood over what you feel you’ve missed out on, or you can release your resentments and disappointments and move on as a couple.
- Prepare for the transition from a child-centered relationship to a partner-centered relationship. Often, male empty-nesters begin to think about retirement just when their female counterparts, suddenly liberated from child-rearing responsibilities, begin to make ambitious plans for their careers and leisure pursuits. It’s important to focus on your partner’s needs and wishes and to find mutual interests and goals.
- Develop a friendship with your partner and deepen it through communication, compassion, and shared recreational activities.
This is a chance to re-create your marriage, fulfill dreams and establish new goals. And revive the romance. Enjoy it!
Your program is here to help you along the journey of life. No situation is too big or too small. When you and your family members need assistance, reach out anytime and we will help get you on the right path to meet your needs.
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