All you did was get up to go to the fridge, and your little one locked around your leg like a living ball and chain, screeching, "Noooo!" As you shuffle toward the kitchen dragging your anchor, you realize your little ray of sunshine has quite a case of separation anxiety.
Separation anxiety is physical and emotional distress caused by being apart from parents or caregivers. It's a normal developmental stage for most children. It usually begins between 8 and 12 months. During this time, babies can have acute reactions, including crying and clinging when the parent tries to leave. Even toddlers who seem to have matured beyond separation anxiety can surprise their parents. But by the time they're 2 to 3 years old, most kids feel more comfortable being away from their parents.
Bouts of separation anxiety may be triggered by changes in routines (starting or switching daycare, moving to a bigger bed, toilet training) or changes in family situations (divorce, death, a new sibling).
But most of the time, a baby's separation anxiety is simply a developmental stage. It's part of the process of babies learning about their own individuality – that they exist apart from their parents. At the same time, they're beginning to understand a scary reality: Parents aren't there for them sometimes. For a small person who can't understand the concept of time, it's frightening to wonder when – or if – mom and dad will return.
In most cases, a distraught child will settle down a few minutes after mom or dad leaves. But the screaming, clinging and sobs can be awful for both of you in the meantime. To ease the goodbyes:
- Anticipate factors and situations (hunger, illness, return from vacation, a new sitter) that can add to your child's upset, and take steps to head them off
- Establish a goodbye routine
- Be reassuring and calm about leaving
- Tell your child when you'll be back (and keep your promise)
- Tell your child when you're leaving (never sneak out)
Talk to your pediatrician if:
- Fussing continues for more than an hour after you leave your child
- The behavior lasts for more than a month
- Your child refuses to play at friends' homes or won't sleep away from home
- Your child has recurring physical complaints or nightmares
Even after separation anxiety passes, your little one will still have clingy days. Why? Every situation is different. He may be just be tired or having a hard day.
Key Tips
- Separation anxiety is a normal phase, but it can be eased with compassion and planning. Anticipate a harder-than-usual goodbye at certain ages, in times of stress, if the sitter is new, if your child isn't feeling well, or if you've been away on vacation and your little one has gotten used to having you around all the time.
Enlist the help of your child's sitter, caregiver or teacher. If she is experienced, she has dealt with this situation many times and can offer support and help at drop-off time and throughout the child's stay. Doing what you can ahead of time can help ease your baby's sadness and your own guilt as you leave.
- A goodbye routine can help your child cope with separation. Most children find comfort in routine and repetition. Creating a goodbye ritual (the same words, the same number of hugs, the same final kiss on the palm for them to "hold") will help your child learn that comings and goings are routine, too.
- Be understanding but upbeat, and don't apologize about leaving. Children can sense when goodbye time approaches, and they'll pick up on any guilty or negative feelings, adding to their sense that there's something bad or dangerous about being separated.
And never sneak out. The idea that you've just vanished can be confusing and frightening to your child.
- Whether you're going to work or just trying to make a sandwich, once you leave, don't keep returning to say goodbye. Your child should sense by your words and body language that it's normal for you to leave and that you'll be back.
Making Goodbye Easier
Prepare. If separation is a problem at home, trial separations can help: Briefly step away from your child, but stay within earshot. When you must put your child down or leave him alone in his playpen, for example, continue talking to him as you move around the house, even if he's crying. This lets him know that you don't forget about him when you're not there. It also reassures him that you'll return.
If you're using a sitter, let your child know she'll be coming – even if you think he's too young to understand. Talk about the things they'll do together. ("Remember last time when you made paper airplanes with Shannon? What do you think you'll do this time?")
If your sitter is new, talk to her about your child's anxiety when you make arrangements, so she knows what to expect. Ask her to come early, or even to sit for an hour when you're home as an introduction to the child. Consider buying a small toy or stickers to hand off to the sitter as you leave, to engage your child.
If your child is going to start a new daycare situation, set up a day when your child can visit for an hour, look at the toys and snacks and meet the caregiver. Tell the caregiver about any specific concerns. That will make his first day easier for all three of you.
Before the drop-off, tell your child about your plans: What you'll be doing, where you're going, and (most important) when you'll be back. Use time benchmarks he can understand: "after lunch" or "before bedtime."
Create a goodbye routine. When you leave, say goodbye. Don't sneak out while your baby's asleep or her back is turned. When you leave without letting her know, she might think that you can vanish at any moment, making her even clingier. Setting up a routine – even if it's as simple as a kiss and a wave when you leave, and a kiss when you come back – can help. A routine lets your child know that you go away, and then you return.
Give your child something to hold. If your child gets upset when you drop him off at daycare, let him bring a favorite toy or blanket. That will give him something familiar and comforting. (If she's really attached to the blanket or toy, make sure you have a backup on hand.)
Be cheerful and firm. Even if you're upset by your child's distress, it's important for you to stay calm. If your child senses that you're uneasy about leaving, she'll feel even worse. Your distress will make her feel like something's really wrong, and that leaving is bad. Be cheerful and remind your child when you'll be back. Emphasize how happy you'll be to see her when you return.
Leave. Most kids settle down within a few minutes after their parents leave. The transition is what's difficult. So when it's time to go … go! Keep your goodbye short and sweet. And final. Returning can compound your child's sense of confusion and upset.
Keep your promises. If you say you'll be back before "Barney" starts or right after "block time," do it. This helps reinforce that parents who leave always return.
Stay in touch with your caregiver. She can give you feedback (and reassurance) on how your child's doing. You may want to ask:
- What does my child do after I leave?
- How long is she upset?
- During the day, does she seem anxious about seeing me again?
- How are you distracting her?
FAQs
Hearing my son's pleas when I take him to daycare breaks my heart. How can I handle my guilt?
Keep two things in mind:
- Separation anxiety is usually a normal part of development, not a reflection on your parenting skills, your level of love, or your childcare. Focus on the long-term positives that the situation offers you both.
- If you stay calm as you walk out the door, and are positive and nonchalant when you return, you'll show him that there's nothing dangerous about you leaving, and that you'll return. This is an important lesson for him.
My 2-year-old daughter never had a problem with me leaving. Now she goes into a tizzy every time I touch my keys. Is there something going wrong with the sitter?
Maybe – but be careful before you point the finger at a caregiver. Many things can cause a surprise bout of separation anxiety; it isn't necessarily an indication that your provider's doing anything wrong. Perhaps your child's tangling with another child at daycare or the routine changed. Ask your caregiver.
That said, you should use your own judgment, listen to your gut, and investigate if you feel that substandard care could be the culprit.
My 5-month-old son is fine during the day, but wakes us screaming at night. What's causing this reaction?
Nighttime separation anxiety can occur when infants start teething and learn to roll over. Sore gums, trying to move while sleeping, and an empty tummy could be awakening your son – and making your absence obvious. If teething's to blame, check with your pediatrician to see whether an infant pain reliever might help.
Can older kids suffer from separation anxiety?
In older kids or teens, separation anxiety may be more serious. Older children can experience these feelings when starting something new, such as entering a new school. When feelings of anxiety or fear start interfering with school, work or friendships for a month or more at a time, separation anxiety disorder may be diagnosed. Speak with your doctor and seek counseling, if necessary. Approximately four to five percent of children and teens suffer from the disorder.
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