"Spoken language is merely a series of squeaks." Alfred North Whitehead, early 20th century British philosopher
Bob needed help. His rusty pickup, which had rumbled and rattled him to work every morning for the past 20 years, had finally ended up at his mechanic's. In need of a ride, he decided to ask Karen and Joshua, coworkers who lived nearby.
Bob ran into Karen as he was pouring himself a cup of coffee. "Hey Karen, do you think you could give me a lift to work for the rest of the week?" Bob asked. Karen stared at him and let out a slow sigh. After a few seconds of looking out the window, she said in a flat voice, "Yeah, Bob, I can give you a ride to work."
A while later, when Bob asked Joshua the same question, his friend raised his eyebrows and nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah, Bob, I can give you a ride to work!"
Joshua and Karen said the same words, yet Bob knew that Joshua was happy to help but that Karen really wasn't interested. How? Because we communicate in more ways than we realize. In addition to body language (nods, facial expressions, crossed arms and so on), we express ourselves nonverbally through:
• Space
• Time
• Touch
• Voice
• Objects
Key Tips
Key Tip 1
If you want to interpret what someone really means, you should listen with your eyes, not your ears. Only seven percent of the meaning of anything we say comes from our just our words.
Key Tip 2
Sometimes nonverbal communication is used deliberately, sometimes unconsciously. If you hold your sweetheart's hand in public you're consciously using both touch and space to express affection. But say you're having an argument with someone who yells and invades your personal space. He's using his voice and your space to assert his authority and power – although he's so mad he probably doesn't realize it.
Key Tip 3
Nonverbal communication is related to ethnic and cultural background. Latin Americans, for example, tend to stand close to one another; Asians prefer distance. Arabs, Latin Americans and some Europeans maintain eye contact during a conversation, while Indians and Asians are unlikely to look at someone's face at all. So a Latin American might misread an Asian's cultural preference for distance as coldness, while an Indian might regard a Latin American who looks directly at her as intrusive.
Specifics
Space The amount of personal space, or territory, a person can claim around himself affects his feelings of safety, privacy and autonomy. Americans tend to be very protective of personal space. Police officers in the United States are trained to take advantage of this by getting very close to suspects when interviewing them.
Experts in nonverbal communication have identified four interpersonal zones:
• Public: individuals are at least 10 feet away from each other
• Social: a distance of four to 10 feet between people
• Personal: between 18 inches and four feet apart
• Intimate: less than 18 inches apart
Consider the simple act of walking into a manager's office. Someone new to the staff might stop just inside the door, and wait for the manager to notice him. A senior member of the board, on the other hand, might walk all the way into the office and stand directly in front of the desk – the manager's personal zone – to emphasize her own status.
Unlike personal space, physical space is defined by fixed features, like walls, and those that can be rearranged, like furniture. Don't think of furniture as a method of expression? What do an antique four-poster bed and a raggedy futon say about their owners?
The way personal space is used also reflects someone's status (or at least perception of status). In a business setting, for instance, the highest-ranking executives tend to have the most space and furniture, suggesting the important business meetings that take place in their offices.
Time
Remember Bob and Karen? Karen hesitated as if she had to consider something else before agreeing to give Bob a ride – implying that carpooling would inconvenience her. Joshua, on the other hand, agreed to help right away.
Time, as you may have heard, is practically another form of currency. If a friend waits for you (while you get ready to go out, or while you answer a call on another line, for example), she's saying your company's worth more than anything else she has planned – while you're suggesting that your time is worth more, since you're keeping her waiting. If you interrupt someone while he's speaking, you suggest that you can't waste your valuable time by waiting for him to finish his sentence.
The use of time to communicate is, like all other forms of nonverbal communication, culturally specific. Americans' habit of showing up "fashionably late" to a party might be considered rude by more punctual cultures. But in Mexico, most invitations don't even specify a time when guests are expected to arrive.
Touch
Like space, touch is used to indicate familiarity with someone. There are four categories of touch:
• Professional
• Sociable
• Loving
• Intimate
Studies indicate that touch is vital to humans. Babies who aren't cuddled tend to be sickly – and when they're severely deprived of touch, they sometimes die. Whether it's an intimate hug or a formal handshake, a touch implies trust, and is the most intimate form of nonverbal communication. For this reason, it's best not to use touch carelessly.
Voice
When we speak, we don't communicate with words alone – almost 40 percent of our meaning comes from a combination of tone, intensity, volume and pitch. Karen's flat, emotionless tone told Bob that she wasn't thrilled with the idea of giving him a ride. On the other hand, Joshua's enthusiastic, energetic tone made it clear that he'd be happy to help.
The meanings of different tones of voice are something we learn almost as soon as we learn to speak – a young child yells when she's upset, but knows to whisper when she's telling a secret.
How quickly someone speaks holds meaning too, often without the speaker realizing it. People who tend to speak slowly (Southerners among Americans, the Finnish among Europeans) may be unfairly judged to be less sophisticated or intelligent by some members of faster-speaking groups.
Want a bit of trivia? People tend to be socially attracted to those who speak at a rate of speed similar to their own. Likewise, matching another person's tone of voice can show interest and help you connect with that person.
Silence communicates, too, by using both voice (or its absence) and time. A long pause, for instance, can send the message that someone's thinking or concentrating, waiting for a response or preparing to change the subject. How comfortable people are with silence varies from culture to culture. Americans frequently babble to fill up a lull in conversation, thus appearing witless to those who aren't threatened by silence, such as the Japanese and some Native Americans.
Objects
Objects express economic status, lifestyle and interests: a wedding ring, a fraternity pin, a framed photograph on your desk, a hairstyle.
"Clothes make the man," Mark Twain observed. "Naked people have little or no influence in society." A recent study corroborates his statement. Researchers found that when someone in shabby work clothes ignored the "Don't Walk" sign and crossed the street against traffic, few pedestrians followed. But when the jaywalker was a man in a business suit, most of the people on the corner followed his lead.
It's no surprise that your wardrobe reflects a lot about you – your income, whether or not you keep up with current fashions, your job. Of course, those who observe you may interpret your clothing in different ways: Some people may view the individual in an expensive suit as an achiever deserving respect, while others may view him as a conformist without the strength or imagination to create his own style.
FAQs
I just got promoted. I'm excited to be a manager at last, but I don't want to overdo it and intimidate my team. Is there a way to make my office seem inviting?
Absolutely! For starters, don't make the common mistake of sitting with your back to the door – it looks like you don't know what's going on and don't care. Also, don't box your desk into a corner because it seems as though you're walling yourself off. Place seating at the front and to one side of your desk, to allow you to share space while maintaining control over your territory.
If you have the space and the budget, use a variety of seating arrangements (like chairs at your desk and a couch with a coffee table). You can decide how formal or informal a meeting will be by which seating arrangement you choose.
Flowers, favorite photos or artwork can also make your space feel more welcoming.
I'm the president of my local computer club, but everybody seems to zone out at meetings when I start talking. I know I don't have a very strong voice. How can I grab people's attention?
The best way to learn how to use your voice as a tool is to learn from someone who's already an expert. Try to find a really good speaker, whether it's your mayor or a coworker, and listen to how she uses her voice. Find an infomercial on TV and pay attention to how the pitchman speaks: Which words does he emphasize? How fast does he speak? When does he speak loudly or lower his voice?
Here are some more tips to think about:
• Speaking at top volume (as long as you don't do it for too long) implies that whatever you're discussing is very important.
• Try speaking quickly to create a sense of momentum. But if you're the nervous sort, then your speech is probably fast enough already – so try to slow down.
• When you want to stress a point or create a reflective mood, speak more slowly.
• A deep voice can convey authority.
Your program is here to help you along the journey of life. No situation is too big or too small. When you and your family members need assistance, reach out anytime and we will help get you on the right path to meet your needs.
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